Monday, February 17, 2014

Love #2

Earlier, I wrote about love. This post. Considering the last post, it clearly didn't work out. It was, however, a hallmark difference from previous relationships. As much as I pursued a relationship, she felt happier just 'fooling around' and would readily end up in bed with me.

But in the long run, it was just going to stay a fling, sleeping together and me going home afterwards. Not really what I was looking for. Eventually, I broke it off. For the first time in my life, I stepped out of a relationship because it did not give me what I wanted.

Previously, I thought the hurt of being dumped was mainly that : being dumped. But I failed to see that the one breaking of the relationship is usually the one that sees that the relationship just fails to fulfill needs. In that way, it still hurt like hell when I broke it up. But I did. I drew the line, kissed the girl and left, like some sort of man I never thought I'd become.

Later on, we did fool a bit in bed, she's still attractive and we're both just human. But the relationship was over. Being able to walk away when things don't work brought me into a strange power parity. It's had an effect on my current relationship, where we both know and feel we can just end it and walk away when we want to.

Which seems to have cured me from my "Oh-God-I-don't-want-to-be-alone-please-please-don't-leave-me"-itis. I don't play chameleon as much anymore. I do the things I want and so far, she seems thrilled to join me on the ride. That's growth right there.

And the strange thing? She's happy. She likes it that I lead, that I choose and do what I want and that she feels she can trust on me to do the things I find important. It has only increased her attraction to me.

Taking inventory of 2013

Hello there blog. A few big things happened:

  • - I got a "9-out-of-9-most-definite-here-are-your-pills" diagnoses from a pretty awesome psychiatrist.
  • - Started dealing with some of the shit in my life (the usual, mainly)
  • - Read a lot, spent a lot less time online (Which really help cut down on my analysis paralysis. I'll write more about that later)
  • - Got a fulltime job that actually requires me to put in work ├índ be bright, not just one of the two.

I've been itching to write down more of my feverish (and now clearly pretty standard ADHD) thoughts so let's see how far we can go. The problems in my life are still the same

  • - Haven't gotten a diploma
  • - Used to go from temporary job to temporary job (Though it did net me a nice amount of IT-related experience that made me a lot more employable). The job now is nice, one of those rare gems on the cusp of both being practical, idealistic and challenging. It's a small company that's gearing up for bigger things and feels like a start-up. That and the boss is awesome. He sent everyone flowers for us doing well, but waits for valentines day to do so. Heh. But I disgress
  • -  Make a mess out of my home
  • - Unable to plan
  • - Still overweight
  • - Still too willing to please / looking for acceptance. "Good boy"

A few things have started to work better though

  • Moved to a nice place. An appartment of my own. This has really given me an opportunity to grow as a person
  • - I've started studying with a practicality and effectiveness that, far be it from being a perfect and optimal student, surprises me and gives me hope that I can finish this.
  • - I've seem to have broken my habit of getting into dysfunctional relationships with dysfunctional people. It's still early, just 4 months now, but let's see if we both actually turn out to be relatively stable and positive towards eachother. So far, so good.
  • - I'm slowly creeping away from my sense of dread towards humanity. I'm getting more and more aligned with the ideals of the Human Potential Movement. This might require some eludicating, but I used to feel that humans were mostly barely-conscious biological machines that used intellect as a tool and where self-determination is mostly a psychological construction to keep us sane. A pretty bleak view. Not that I've fully abandoned it, I'd call us riders on a wild horse. An analogy that grew from being a victim to the impulses of the horse into a more seasoned rider. Able to distinguish the path to take and how to gently coerce the horse to ride in a direction that benefits both. 

  • - Relationshipwise I've changed from a chameleon-pleaser into more of a man. I'm less afraid to show who I am and have become better able to 'see' how attraction works and how to keep it going in a relationship. Mark Manson gave me the much-needed boost to leave the  bitterness that becoming game-aware gave me. Athol Kay has shown me how to build healthy relationships and to prevent the pitfalls. (In short : Improve yourself. If there would be one advice that helps one better their lives, in sex, love, business, social life and such, this is it.)   
  • Got me a new cycle. Riding half an hour each day. My fitness is increasing slowly but steadily (as my partner remarks in the bedroom) and though there is little weight loss, I seem to be getting into a slightly better shape)

At any rate, my mind has been rambling and I've learned a lot of things. I'll start using this blog for my assorted brain-farts and to see if I can give myself another journal to keep me on track.