Wednesday, April 18, 2012

progress post

Well, a lot of things have happened.

Training has been going well. I'm exercising with an english friend of mine, Chris, whom seems eager to train with me. It's fun. We talk inbetween sets, crack jokes and tease the other when we fail. But it did get me in a rythym. Tuesday is now training day, with 2 hours on that day reserved for exercise.

Results? I could post numbers, but I've seen my strength on certain tasks improve. My muscles are becoming visibly bigger, while my weight is staying the same. I'm losing fat and gaining muscle. People note that I'm walking more upstraight and that I seem more fit.

And in the end, it is always a mental barrier, not a physical one. Train your body well and enough and it will show results. But the mindset needs to change. I still am afraid to see myself becoming a really fit person with a great body. Afraid to accept the challenge, because I feel I might fail and that I could never attain that.

But on the other hand, this issue isn't a problem. Progress is being made. And I can see the glimmer of the self-image that is forming around this fitter, stronger shell. I think I like where this is going.

And what happened beyond sports? A fling with a girl whom still had a boyfriend. Something I feel I should feel guilty over, but I simply could not. We bonded while I tried to give advice to help her failing relationship.

I always considered relationships to be sacred. A promise is a promise. But there is more than simply a word that is given here. A relationship is a living, breathing thing between two people and no matter how often you invoke a word, beating a dead horse will never get it going again.

Not that it worked, she chose her boyfriend over me, in the end. In a way, I'm glad about it. I doubt we would have workd in that way, but the attraction was there. For a few weeks, I was her casanova and she was my secret lover. As dubious as it sounds, I hope she and her boyfriend can get things going again. I hope I taught her more about the world.

She taught me more about women. About the primal part that rests in all of us, about how when both of you open up, being earnest of what you want, sparks start flying. By being a very feminine woman, she allowed me to become more masculine than I previously was. It was strangely liberating and nice to feel how the masculine and the feminine fit together.
Though if this sounds vague to you, maybe it should be. It's about making the other feel safe in a relationship by taking control. It's about proving that you can handle her, so she can give herself fully.

And lastly, old passions returning. I've spent more time reading, I've lost myself in dance again, with women claiming me as a partner as soon I was free. I'm starting to believe there might be a dancer in me, somewhere. 30 sounds like a nice age to discover new talents and growing them.

Good night world.

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