I've recently stumbled upon the site postmasculine.com which has been awesome in giving a well-needed and broader view in self-development. Starting from the field of pickup, Mark (The writer) indicates that pickup is a way to deal with the symptoms of deeper, usually emotional issues. He also states that game is all fine and dandy, but that men who pursue the notion of "Getting every woman they want" are deeply flawed themselves.
And in a way, he is right. Game is mainly a method of faking that you are awesome to attract women, while it does not change your core being (much). Mark advocates a route that is more like inner game : Improving yourself and your self-image to such an extent that you become attractive instead of faking it.
He gives simple advice for men who want to become more attractive.
- Go to a gym. Get in shape. Enjoy your body and the energy you give it.
- Dress well, show that you care for yourself and present yourself well.
- Practice dealing with women, build attraction, seduce and tease.
- Be vulnerable.
The last one, being vulnerable is very interesting. It doesn't mean telling your date that you have mommy issues and piling all your troubles on them. It does mean that you simply show your true face.
This is a problem with many insecure people, posers and nice guys who would rather keep up a front than showing who they really are.
I've been doing the same. Not only have I created an emotional mask to wear when insecure, tired or just scared to be vulnerable. And I've learned to obfuscate really well, to place a layer of words and reasoning between what I really feel and what I show the world.
A layer that my ex hated, but that only became really visible when a friend showed me where it was and showed displeasure at me keeping that layer there. He asked me to keep the mask off and told me when I was putting it back on.
At the start, it was really awkward, with me slipping into the mask several times. But as time went on, I started to accept that I actually was good enough to just be myself and that I didn't have to add useless conversation just to "earn" my place in it.
The mask isn't gone. You don't lose something like that overnight. But for now I'm trying to be more vulnerable, to open up and to let things hit me, instead of quickly pushing them away and keeping it all neutral. It's scaring me shitless.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Anger
In general, I'm a "nice" guy. It's hard for me to get angry, agressive or even intimidating. I just fall back to a "nice" level of intensity and stick around there.
This is a thing holding me back. I've somehow been brought up to believe that negative emotions are negative, but they're not. They're just emotions that boil up due to something happening. You might as well say that love is great, but lust is wrong. They are all just mental states I experience and I feel. To ignore or deny that is something that is probably a recipe for years of therapy.
And I've noticed that I can get angry. At stupidity. At things that I find unfair. That anger gives tremendous energy to deal with said unfairness, though it's hard to channel it into a constructive avenue.
Still, looking back, the strongest impact I've had on people was when I got angry because of a view or thought they held which was unfair in my opinion. By showing I was angry and using that anger to adress the unfair situation, I somehow changed the world for the better. So cheers to you anger, for we will probably meet again, and this time as friends.
* For those interested, the most lucid moment was when an asian girl kept saying that mothers love their children more than men and that men could not take care of children as their mother could because of this.
I never heard such idiocy in my life. Angrily, I stated that men have feelings too and actually love their children.
I don't think I convinced the asian girl, but a girl sitting close by confessed that she had never thought of it that way. That girl finally got over her hatred of men that night and would eventually become my partner. Thank you anger, for not letting me sit idly.
This is a thing holding me back. I've somehow been brought up to believe that negative emotions are negative, but they're not. They're just emotions that boil up due to something happening. You might as well say that love is great, but lust is wrong. They are all just mental states I experience and I feel. To ignore or deny that is something that is probably a recipe for years of therapy.
And I've noticed that I can get angry. At stupidity. At things that I find unfair. That anger gives tremendous energy to deal with said unfairness, though it's hard to channel it into a constructive avenue.
Still, looking back, the strongest impact I've had on people was when I got angry because of a view or thought they held which was unfair in my opinion. By showing I was angry and using that anger to adress the unfair situation, I somehow changed the world for the better. So cheers to you anger, for we will probably meet again, and this time as friends.
* For those interested, the most lucid moment was when an asian girl kept saying that mothers love their children more than men and that men could not take care of children as their mother could because of this.
I never heard such idiocy in my life. Angrily, I stated that men have feelings too and actually love their children.
I don't think I convinced the asian girl, but a girl sitting close by confessed that she had never thought of it that way. That girl finally got over her hatred of men that night and would eventually become my partner. Thank you anger, for not letting me sit idly.
Monday, February 13, 2012
The trick in understanding people
A lot of men seem to state that they will never understand women. Women claim the same. Both parties sigh deeply and wonder if they'll ever be able to understand the other party.
Though we differ, we're not that different. The problem is that to properly understand someone else, you must first understand how the differences in your own perception prevent you from grasping their worldview.
Too abstract? Men can't handle distractions while we focus on doing something like driving. Women can. She will talk to him whilst driving. He will ask her to please shut up because he has to drive.
There is no deep mystery here, just a different way of functioning, which leads to conflicts.
Next time you think you don't understand a woman, quit thinking like a man. you'll be surprised how much more easy understanding her becomes.
Though we differ, we're not that different. The problem is that to properly understand someone else, you must first understand how the differences in your own perception prevent you from grasping their worldview.
Too abstract? Men can't handle distractions while we focus on doing something like driving. Women can. She will talk to him whilst driving. He will ask her to please shut up because he has to drive.
There is no deep mystery here, just a different way of functioning, which leads to conflicts.
Next time you think you don't understand a woman, quit thinking like a man. you'll be surprised how much more easy understanding her becomes.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Observation
Sometimes observation is not just a way to sure that what you see is true, but a way to prevent yourself from being part of what you look at.
Observing people and their behaviour is a poor substitute for being part of their lives.
Observing people and their behaviour is a poor substitute for being part of their lives.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
More like guidelines
Originally this comes from the law of attraction. Personally, I think they're more like guidelines anyhow.
But you get what you give. I keep wondering about the negative view some PUA's have about women. Sure, if that's how you want to see the world, that is how your world will be.
But you get what you give. I keep wondering about the negative view some PUA's have about women. Sure, if that's how you want to see the world, that is how your world will be.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
pickup realities
While reading a nice pdf about why the pickup industry (link here) as a whole is mostly about being a business and making money and less about simply helping people, I was struck by a sentence from the author that stated that game is all nice and fun, but in the end, women simply choose who they like and that game itself has little say in that. It simply increases your chances by teaching you to stop doing stupid things whilst qualifying for that selection process.
There is no way to describe the relief that simple sentence gave me. Instead of being responsible for the outcome of flirting and seducing, I suddenly became one of the two parties involved, as opposed to being the one that has to lead, control and keep on reframing the interaction to move it in the direction you want to move it.
All the girls that I have been with, I’ve ended up with because we got into flow. Things were fun, we got together and we clicked. And instead of living in a world where that click has to be carefully pushed and steered, turning every interaction with a woman into one where I have to actively try to see and control the situation, myself and her, I can just enjoy myself and see what that brings.
So what if I don’t get laid as often as PUA’s. I’m in this for the long run, finding a partner is my goal, which requires me to find someone I can be honest with. That does not mean that I can’t use parts of game, but I will use it to make my partner happy, not to push her to sleep with me. The brand of game that Athol Kay is preaching, with a good measure of ’inner’ (Self-improvement and just being proud and happy with yourself) and ’natural’ (I’ve attracted several women in my life. No games, no thinking, just letting it happen and enjoying eachother’s company) game involved. But that is mostly for my own development and peace of mind, not my future partners.
There is no way to describe the relief that simple sentence gave me. Instead of being responsible for the outcome of flirting and seducing, I suddenly became one of the two parties involved, as opposed to being the one that has to lead, control and keep on reframing the interaction to move it in the direction you want to move it.
All the girls that I have been with, I’ve ended up with because we got into flow. Things were fun, we got together and we clicked. And instead of living in a world where that click has to be carefully pushed and steered, turning every interaction with a woman into one where I have to actively try to see and control the situation, myself and her, I can just enjoy myself and see what that brings.
So what if I don’t get laid as often as PUA’s. I’m in this for the long run, finding a partner is my goal, which requires me to find someone I can be honest with. That does not mean that I can’t use parts of game, but I will use it to make my partner happy, not to push her to sleep with me. The brand of game that Athol Kay is preaching, with a good measure of ’inner’ (Self-improvement and just being proud and happy with yourself) and ’natural’ (I’ve attracted several women in my life. No games, no thinking, just letting it happen and enjoying eachother’s company) game involved. But that is mostly for my own development and peace of mind, not my future partners.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The neg
A Neg is a technique that pick-up artists use to get attention (attraction) from pretty women. Those women generally get all kinds of positive attention from men hoping to 'buy' their attraction with compliments.
To be different, they sort-of-insult the woman, to appear independent and strong and to break down her initial assumption that he is just another guy who will be like the rest.
In short, you playfully point out that she is not perfect and that you see that. A few examples would be along the lines of:
+ "You have a very pretty face, but you should use less makeup. Makeup should be used to enhance a woman’s beauty, not hide it." or You're a really pretty girl, but what else have you got besides that?
There is all kind of theorycrafting on why this works (And why it apparently only works on really pretty women or women who think they are but aren't that pretty.)
But I keep wondering if the whole point of this isn't just to shake someone out of social roles. That for some reason, showing that you can see past the mask and that you accept it, you allow the other to remove it and become more genuine with you.
It would be funny if a bunch of guys wearing silly hats and boas, who insult women to seduce them and to sleep with them, are somehow making the world a more honest place.
To be different, they sort-of-insult the woman, to appear independent and strong and to break down her initial assumption that he is just another guy who will be like the rest.
In short, you playfully point out that she is not perfect and that you see that. A few examples would be along the lines of:
+ "You have a very pretty face, but you should use less makeup. Makeup should be used to enhance a woman’s beauty, not hide it." or You're a really pretty girl, but what else have you got besides that?
There is all kind of theorycrafting on why this works (And why it apparently only works on really pretty women or women who think they are but aren't that pretty.)
But I keep wondering if the whole point of this isn't just to shake someone out of social roles. That for some reason, showing that you can see past the mask and that you accept it, you allow the other to remove it and become more genuine with you.
It would be funny if a bunch of guys wearing silly hats and boas, who insult women to seduce them and to sleep with them, are somehow making the world a more honest place.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Just do it
It's very easy to procrastinate or to get stuck in a lifestyle where you never really get anything done. It's there, it's easy, but you just never quite get to doing all those things that you kind of want or need to get done.
"Just start." Was the advice someone gave me. And it is the best advice possible, but also the least useful. It sort of falls on the same line as telling a smoker that would like to quit that he just has to "stop smoking."
It really IS as simple as that, but if the person was able to take such action, he would have done so himself ages ago.
Procrastination is also my cardinal sin, with lots of little chores and things that I kind of wanted to do that did not get done. Untill I got a new job. Suddenly, I'd leave home at 6:30 sharp and come home 12 hours later, at 18:30.
Suddenly, things that need to be done get done. There is no "Meh, later" because there will be no time later either. I have to admit I like the regularity. Though I dislike not being able to participate in fun stuff each evening.
But with time being short, it became valuable. And with it being valuable, I'm not going to waste it anymore.
"Just start." Was the advice someone gave me. And it is the best advice possible, but also the least useful. It sort of falls on the same line as telling a smoker that would like to quit that he just has to "stop smoking."
It really IS as simple as that, but if the person was able to take such action, he would have done so himself ages ago.
Procrastination is also my cardinal sin, with lots of little chores and things that I kind of wanted to do that did not get done. Untill I got a new job. Suddenly, I'd leave home at 6:30 sharp and come home 12 hours later, at 18:30.
Suddenly, things that need to be done get done. There is no "Meh, later" because there will be no time later either. I have to admit I like the regularity. Though I dislike not being able to participate in fun stuff each evening.
But with time being short, it became valuable. And with it being valuable, I'm not going to waste it anymore.
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