Elements of personality

There seems to be a transition in my thinking. More and more, it's simply doing what I want and less trying to appear like something I feel I should be.

In my theatre classes, we used something called the theory of elements to determine our playstyle. Fire, water, earth, wind. All of these were explained in terms of a cowboy walking into a saloon.

Fire walks in with zest and flamboyance. He's not afraid of anything because he's faster on the trigger than anyone. Anyone shoot at him, he'll just shoot them first. Balls first, loud, full and sure of himself.

Water walks in like a cyclone that embraces the entire saloon. If he gets shot, he shows and shares the pain with those around him, so they can see that shooting him is a bad thing. He's like a little vortex drawing out the emotion in people.

Earth, ah. The stoic. Earth would simply stand quietly. Walk inside without saying anything. Earth would get shot and look at the gunshots and think "Hm. I appear to have been shot" without changing his demeanor. He's unshakeable but within the confines of himself, where fire is so outside himself.

Wind is the neurotic. His eyes dart from point to point, always looking for dangers, threats, planning, adapting. If someone goes for their gun, he'd outsmart them by always being prepared. Hands fidget, thoughts jump from point to point. Always prepared and always reacting to everything.


These are characters you use on stage, but they have their merit in knowing yourself. I used to be water with a lot of earth and air mixed in. Now I'm starting to become more earth. More grounded in my own choices and less reliant on the outside world to determine my behaviour.

I've got a girl whom allows me to simply be, instead of proving myself all the time. I'm choosing my own path and starting to plan the rest of my career or at least my life path. It's not a sudden epihany, but a slow change creeping in your every day behaviour. I'm not sure if it was actions or thoughts that made me change first. But they're both aligned more now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a superman, but something is changing. I like this.

Growth

With the premiére of the musical I play in I've noticed something new. I feel some stage fright and tension building up to the big show. Normally, I'd get stressed or try to focus, but now, for the first time in ages, I've been enjoying the excitement. Instead of feeling a negative emotion, actively try to value and enjoy the sense of adrenalin running through your body, your mind racing to make sure you did everything. It's much nicer to sit back and enjoy the fear and anxiety, instead of being a victim of it. It feels like growing.

Asian enlightenment stuff

Funny. There's little changes everywhere but it does not feel as if I myself really changed. It's the same with sports, I've changed in what I believe I can do, but the self-image must transform with the changes to allow you to accept them. All this time I've been longing for a ritual, some way to formalize a transformation. I'm feeling more and more that there is a lack of ritual in modern society, mostly felt in the transition from boy to man.

Many thanks to Krauser for this. Though his blog is mostly about pickup and his dark arts have been utilized to their full extent in procuring me an icecream from a nice girl, these little tidbits of insight float around those who try to improve themselves, be it in pickup, meditation or simply trying to become the best they can be. But it seems to be a journey that goes hand in hand with men trying to find their place in relation to women and eventually, the world.

vulnerability

I've recently stumbled upon the site postmasculine.com which has been awesome in giving a well-needed and broader view in self-development. Starting from the field of pickup, Mark (The writer) indicates that pickup is a way to deal with the symptoms of deeper, usually emotional issues. He also states that game is all fine and dandy, but that men who pursue the notion of "Getting every woman they want" are deeply flawed themselves.

And in a way, he is right. Game is mainly a method of faking that you are awesome to attract women, while it does not change your core being (much). Mark advocates a route that is more like inner game : Improving yourself and your self-image to such an extent that you become attractive instead of faking it.

He gives simple advice for men who want to become more attractive.
- Go to a gym. Get in shape. Enjoy your body and the energy you give it.
- Dress well, show that you care for yourself and present yourself well.
- Practice dealing with women, build attraction, seduce and tease.
- Be vulnerable.

The last one, being vulnerable is very interesting. It doesn't mean telling your date that you have mommy issues and piling all your troubles on them. It does mean that you simply show your true face.

This is a problem with many insecure people, posers and nice guys who would rather keep up a front than showing who they really are.

I've been doing the same. Not only have I created an emotional mask to wear when insecure, tired or just scared to be vulnerable. And I've learned to obfuscate really well, to place a layer of words and reasoning between what I really feel and what I show the world.

A layer that my ex hated, but that only became really visible when a friend showed me where it was and showed displeasure at me keeping that layer there. He asked me to keep the mask off and told me when I was putting it back on.

At the start, it was really awkward, with me slipping into the mask several times. But as time went on, I started to accept that I actually was good enough to just be myself and that I didn't have to add useless conversation just to "earn" my place in it.

The mask isn't gone. You don't lose something like that overnight. But for now I'm trying to be more vulnerable, to open up and to let things hit me, instead of quickly pushing them away and keeping it all neutral. It's scaring me shitless.