pickup realities

While reading a nice pdf about why the pickup industry (link here) as a whole is mostly about being a business and making money and less about simply helping people, I was struck by a sentence from the author that stated that game is all nice and fun, but in the end, women simply choose who they like and that game itself has little say in that. It simply increases your chances by teaching you to stop doing stupid things whilst qualifying for that selection process.

There is no way to describe the relief that simple sentence gave me. Instead of being responsible for the outcome of flirting and seducing, I suddenly became one of the two parties involved, as opposed to being the one that has to lead, control and keep on reframing the interaction to move it in the direction you want to move it.

All the girls that I have been with, I’ve ended up with because we got into flow. Things were fun, we got together and we clicked. And instead of living in a world where that click has to be carefully pushed and steered, turning every interaction with a woman into one where I have to actively try to see and control the situation, myself and her, I can just enjoy myself and see what that brings.

So what if I don’t get laid as often as PUA’s. I’m in this for the long run, finding a partner is my goal, which requires me to find someone I can be honest with. That does not mean that I can’t use parts of game, but I will use it to make my partner happy, not to push her to sleep with me. The brand of game that Athol Kay is preaching, with a good measure of ’inner’ (Self-improvement and just being proud and happy with yourself) and ’natural’ (I’ve attracted several women in my life. No games, no thinking, just letting it happen and enjoying eachother’s company) game involved. But that is mostly for my own development and peace of mind, not my future partners.

Sex rank

One of the important points that Athol Kay makes on his blog and in his book is his "sex rank". Simply put it is a number from 1 to 10 that indicates how attractive you are to the opposite sex.

For some reason, people tend to pair up with partners whom are equally attractive. Now this does not mean that some people aren't specifically more attractive to others; a 5 might be a 7 to a specific person. But in general we do see a trend (or at least an expectation) of people of equal attractiveness pairing up.

When a difference in this attractiveness starts to arise however, things become interesting.
The woman of the couple of sixes starts to really work on herself and becomes a seven. Suddenly, she is more attractive than her partner. This is where problems start, because attraction generally only happens with equal or better partners (Would you settle for less?)

Now step back and let's take a look at the death of a relationship: Things were great, even for years. But for some reason, one partner is starting to grow annoyed with the other partner. Little tensions arise, sex becomes nonexistent, both people start to become insecure and show their worst sides. Eventually, they break up and rationalise this by stating all the things they found annoying.

But what Athol shows is that this is not the reason for the relationship going awry. It might be the reasons you both see as the source of the breakup, but what simply happened is that one partner was losing attraction, leading to all the frustration and subsequent breakup.

You can't choose attraction.
You can however help it, by making sure that YOU work on your sex rank and increase it. That sounds abstract, but basically it comes down to : Be a better you. If you're a jobless slob, you should know the way already. If you're unhealthy and fat, start working out and lose weight.
Consider that you're not only doing this for yourself, but also as part of your effort to sustain a healthy and rewarding relationship.

So get your butt out and start doing something. (Like buying his book )

Athol Kay

Those who know me, should know that i've been reading up on the so-called manosphere blogs. That is, blogs that deal with game and pickup and are tailored at informing and teaching men how to attract and deal with women in the modern dating market, though I dislike the use of the word "market" in there.

When reading the articles in the manosphere, I keep getting the distinct feeling that it is filled with bitter, jaded and cynical people who seem to mourn the loss of an ideal world in which they previously dwelt. (And remember, you can't get cynical without actually caring about things. Cynicism is generally the result of a wish for a better world, not just the loss of hope.)

One exception to this, however, is Athol Kay. Instead of using game and pick-up techniques to.. well, pick up women and sleep with them, he is actively using principes from game to spice up the relationship with his wife, essentially bringing back the excitement and flirting that marks the start of any relationship.
And most importantly: he's doing it together with his partner instead of merely applying it on her. It seems to have become a communal thing in which both partners actively try to keep their relationship active and fun, which translates into jumping eachother like bunnies in spring and having a wonderful time doing so - together.

This is a world of difference when compared to the bar pick-up scene, where I always get the feeling that game is just going through the motions and in many ways just holding up another mask to get what you want. That this could lead to internal change is another discussion altogether though.

If this, coupled with the more palatable character of his theories interest you, I'd like to suggest that you read his blog, which can be found at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com or simply buy his book. His theories have been able to heal many relationships that would otherwise have been ended.

I still check his blog daily, and though I do not feel that I became a pick-up artist in the sense of the word, I do feel that these things can make me a better partner.