cynism

In every cynic, there's an optimist who is afraid that they might be wrong.

Elements of personality

There seems to be a transition in my thinking. More and more, it's simply doing what I want and less trying to appear like something I feel I should be.

In my theatre classes, we used something called the theory of elements to determine our playstyle. Fire, water, earth, wind. All of these were explained in terms of a cowboy walking into a saloon.

Fire walks in with zest and flamboyance. He's not afraid of anything because he's faster on the trigger than anyone. Anyone shoot at him, he'll just shoot them first. Balls first, loud, full and sure of himself.

Water walks in like a cyclone that embraces the entire saloon. If he gets shot, he shows and shares the pain with those around him, so they can see that shooting him is a bad thing. He's like a little vortex drawing out the emotion in people.

Earth, ah. The stoic. Earth would simply stand quietly. Walk inside without saying anything. Earth would get shot and look at the gunshots and think "Hm. I appear to have been shot" without changing his demeanor. He's unshakeable but within the confines of himself, where fire is so outside himself.

Wind is the neurotic. His eyes dart from point to point, always looking for dangers, threats, planning, adapting. If someone goes for their gun, he'd outsmart them by always being prepared. Hands fidget, thoughts jump from point to point. Always prepared and always reacting to everything.


These are characters you use on stage, but they have their merit in knowing yourself. I used to be water with a lot of earth and air mixed in. Now I'm starting to become more earth. More grounded in my own choices and less reliant on the outside world to determine my behaviour.

I've got a girl whom allows me to simply be, instead of proving myself all the time. I'm choosing my own path and starting to plan the rest of my career or at least my life path. It's not a sudden epihany, but a slow change creeping in your every day behaviour. I'm not sure if it was actions or thoughts that made me change first. But they're both aligned more now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a superman, but something is changing. I like this.

Love

And for the first time, it feels completely relaxed and natural. She gives me that feeling in my stomach when she does something nice and I notice I want to make her happy. But it's not as frantic as I'm used to. It's great to talk but the rest of the world is still there, instead of head-over-heels insanity.

Am I finally growing up? I sure hope so. I think she's healthy for me. I'm showing more of myself, consciously trying to drop barriers. It's scary at first, but so great afterwards. It makes me feel a strange calm. Everything will be allright.

I hope I can give her what she needs too.

The moment you start telling the world how it really works and should be is the moment you are so disconnected you need to get out of your mind and just experience again. It's so easy to just sit back and just think, instead of taking part.

With inmalafide quitting, I've been reading up on his blog. Then I found this little bit of poetry by Rudyard Kipling:

“If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!”

Growth

With the premiére of the musical I play in I've noticed something new. I feel some stage fright and tension building up to the big show. Normally, I'd get stressed or try to focus, but now, for the first time in ages, I've been enjoying the excitement. Instead of feeling a negative emotion, actively try to value and enjoy the sense of adrenalin running through your body, your mind racing to make sure you did everything. It's much nicer to sit back and enjoy the fear and anxiety, instead of being a victim of it. It feels like growing.

realpolitik

"When ideology collides with reality, reality is rarely the damaged party." I don't remember which philosopher said this, but there is mention of a sorts of natural law, that is, simply what is in the world. Any human-made law must abide by natural law, lest it lead to conflict and ultimately, useless demise in a conflict that cannot be resolved. In short, any thought, law or impulse that is laid upon the world must fit that world, else the law is stupid. A great example of this is realpolitik, which is a form of politics where nor idealism or ideology are used to decide what kind of policy is to be implemented, but a simple goal is stated (which could be the result of ideology or idealism), after which a realistic path to that goal is charted. It's the political variant of red pill knowledge, where one has to accept that practicality leads. A good politician will have to be able to let go of his or her morality and do that which is practical, even if it isn't moral.

Asian enlightenment stuff

Funny. There's little changes everywhere but it does not feel as if I myself really changed. It's the same with sports, I've changed in what I believe I can do, but the self-image must transform with the changes to allow you to accept them. All this time I've been longing for a ritual, some way to formalize a transformation. I'm feeling more and more that there is a lack of ritual in modern society, mostly felt in the transition from boy to man.

Many thanks to Krauser for this. Though his blog is mostly about pickup and his dark arts have been utilized to their full extent in procuring me an icecream from a nice girl, these little tidbits of insight float around those who try to improve themselves, be it in pickup, meditation or simply trying to become the best they can be. But it seems to be a journey that goes hand in hand with men trying to find their place in relation to women and eventually, the world.